Idyll
by Reiya Inc
Summary: Would you still strive for a happiness that was lost? AU


Disclaimer: They're not mine.

Warning: Adult themes. (Drug use, shounen-ai, prostitution, etc.)

Author's Note: I'm trying something a little different here, it's mainly for the morbid side in us all. I decided on an AU fic in Goku's POV(sort of), with a basic Sanzo/Goku pairing. Expect some OOC moments, since this focuses on a troubled Goku. (Forgive me, but I also did away with some things, like immortality.) I was aiming for a deep, philosophical writing, but it ended up turning into bizarre metaphors. (italics thoughts) Enjoy.

XxXxXxXxXxXx

Idyll

"So what'll it be, kid?" The gruff man smirked. Goku handed the man a wad of yens. "Crank." he answered. The man laughed with his hoarse voice, flashing his tobacco-stained teeth.

"Yeah, that seems to be really goin' nowadays. Hold on." His stubby fingers shuffled through his long trench coat, eventually pulling out three syringes . He held them back, raising his index finger.

"Things have been gettin' tough lately, more eyes to watch for." He was probably referring to that supplier who got shot up the other day.

"This enough?" Goku handed him another bill. The man smiled and handed him the bag,

"Nice doin' business with you, kid. You'll come around again, eh?" More hoarse laughing. Goku didn't answer, instead he calmly walked out of the alley and blended in with the crowd.

In his head he was counting. _Three. Just three? _Three would last him half a week, maybe a week if he stretched it. His right hand fingered the few bills he had left. Not enough. He'd need more money, soon. Goku retracted his hand, but it brushed against the syringes in his pocket.

_Wait. Just a little longer and I'll be at my place. Just a little further_. He tried to rationalize with himself, but his fingers were already running themselves down the smooth exterior. Goku walked faster and his fingers tingled in anticipation. They twitched. They wanted it, they _needed_ it. And so did he.

Goku made a right turn down the next alley. It didn't look that hospitable, but it was clear. He took out the first syringe and sat against the wall. The cold brick welcomed his presence. The boy wore a black jacket and scraped up jeans, they were dirty, but he'd clean them later. Now his muscles reacted more quickly to his command, they knew it was time. Quickly, they pulled up his jacket sleeve and revealed the mark on his arm. It used to be really hard to find the vein, but he had punctured the skin enough to leave a permanent scar.

The needle injected his release swiftly into his bloodstream. Already he could feel his nerves react. It was like all his senses were amplified. He could see the dust particles in the air as his golden eyes dilated. He could smell the pot sticker plate from the restaurant around the corner. He could feel tiny little creatures that lived on the ground crawl over his skin and bury themselves inside. He could hear the man smack his wife across the room in the apartment building behind him.

A bead of sweat trickled down the side of Goku's tan face. His body twitched as it faded into a dream

Dream #129-33

_In every second, I dream a thousand dreams. _

_Someone once asked me what it was like to live in dreams, but I couldn't tell them, because they were a dream too._

_Here. I feel it. It's taking me with it. Images blur in front of my eyes, like I'm watching a movie on fast-forward._

_My brain opens the little hinges on the side off my head and scampers out. I hear it SPLAT against the floor._

_It looks like grey jelly with red tentacles for arms. Or like clay with little worms in it. I shouldn't leave my head open, it might dry out. And it was staining the alleyway too. _

_"Wait!" The jelly-worm-brain is leaving without me. "Come back here!" I yell while trying to chase it. It's not easy you know, brains are really fast. _

_"Haha! Gotcha!" I pull it up by one of it's red arms, my brain starts squeaking. Kinda like Hakuryuu used to. I quickly stuff it back in my head and lock the hinges. I look up at the others, Gojyo's laughing at me while Hakkai and Sanzo just stand there._

XxXxXx

Goku stood up, by the sun he determined he been in the alley for about three hours. He quickly checked his pocket for the other two syringes. They were still there. His legs were hesitant to move again, and his left arm wanted to smack him in the face. He gripped it tightly with his other arm, forcing it back down.

He'd probably have another dream by the time he got back to his place, maybe not so fast this time. His hallucinations came at random intervals after the shot, so it was best to be home during that time.

The boy's apartment was normal for that end of town. Run-down, beat-up, and shady. _Home sweet home_. He fumbled with the key, they really needed to make the locks bigger. Finally shoving, more than unlocking the door, he walked inside. Goku plopped down on his unmade bed, arms stretched across the twin mattress. Staring at the different shapes he could make out of the stucco ceiling occupied him until his next dream.

Dream #150.28

_The marketplace is busy. I see at least ten things I want to eat, but Sanzo says no. We walk to the town square which is echoing with cheers. I'm shorter, so I jump on some crates to see over the crowd. Sanzo can see just fine, and he looks angry. _

_There's a circular fence in the middle of the crowd and inside the fence are two dogs. One's smaller with a black coat, while the other has a grey one. They're snarling at each other. "Sanzo, what are they doing?" He doesn't answer me. I remember this, this isn't a dream. This is what I saw when me and Sanzo visited the town of Kaji. It's an odd name for this place._

_The grey dog lunges and catches the smaller one by the leg. He cries out, but the crowd is more excited by his screams. The smaller black dog scratches furiously at the other's face, making a bloody gash over one eye. The grey dog releases the foot. Now they are both circling each other, waiting on the other's move. The black dog stumbles a bit because of his back leg, and they grey dog doesn't miss a beat. He flies forward, sinking his fangs into the black dog's throat. The black dog never had a chance, with a wounded leg, he could never have dodged that attack. _

_I watch the black dog being shook, while the grey dog tries to rip out it's windpipe. A sick feeling rises in my stomach. Everyone's cheering like mad, the fight's almost over. Was the black dog's death just entertainment? Was the grey dog only meant to kill it? I found a puppy once, it was furry and loved to play. I could never imagine it getting bigger and killing another dog like this. It was just wrong. _

_"Sanzo...?" _

_"Come on, Goku." Sanzo turns away, but I can't leave. The black dog can barely whimper now. I have to do something._

_"Stop it!" I scream as loud as I could. "Stop it! This isn't fair!" I push my way to the front of the crowd. Their cheers die down._

_"What are you doing?!" My fists are clenched. A lanky man pulls the grey dog away and leads him to a crate. The black dog is left in the ring . A short man steps inside, probably the dog's owner. The smaller dog lays there, hemorrhaging all over the ground. The flesh has been stripped off of his throat, leaving him to spit up and choke on his own blood. _

_I can't take this. Someone has to help him before he dies. The short man lifts up his boot, and I see it happening so slowly, but I can't get over the fence in time. He brings the heel down on the dog's head, cracking his skull. The dog's feet made one spastic jerk._

_"Why...?", I can't seem to find the question I want to ask. Sanzo walks towards me._

_"Come on, Goku." I follow him this time._

XxXxXx

Tap tap

Tap.

Tap tap tap.

Goku sat up in bed. All the sheets were on the floor, he must have kicked them off. His throat felt dry. Goku reached for the glass of water on the bed stand, when he froze, arm still outstretched. His ears picked up the noise that had awoken him in the first place.

Rain.

He hated the rain. It always reminded him of....

Goku took a flying leap off his bed towards the door. In less than a second he had flung it open and closed it again. The next door over was Izumi. _Please, please don't be busy..._ He calmed himself before knocking.

"What is it?" A well-endowed woman answered the door, "Goku! Hey, come on in." She stepped away and closed the door after him.

"Iz, can I stay the night?" his golden eyes widened.

"Yeah, sure babe." Why not? She didn't have any costumers tonight. And... Goku really didn't like the rain.

It was kinda odd, when she met him for the first time. Izumi didn't even realize she had a new neighbor until it rained. It sounded like all hell breaking loose next door. So, naturally needing her beauty sleep, she stomped out in the pouring rain to tell her inconsiderate neighbor to shut the fuck up.

He answered the door and Izumi could see his room behind him. It was all torn up with food splattered all over the floor. It looked like he had tried to rip through one of the walls.

"Uhh, is everything okay?" She was beginning to regret knocking on his door. For all she knew, he could've just killed someone. Besides, this area of town didn't carry a good reputation of its inhabitants.

The boy didn't answer, he just stared at her blankly. Almost like she wasn't even there. That was too much. She'd heard way too many horror stories to let herself wind up the victim of some psychopath's rampage.

"I-I should go now..." Izumi spun around, but the boy grabbed her by the wrist. _He's just a kid, no reason to be afraid. Hell, you've got a good four inches on him! _She tried to convince herself.

"...beautiful." The boy whispered, it was then that she realized he had golden eyes, and that they had been crying.

"Like... the sun." He released her wrist and ran one hand through her short blonde hair. His eyes bore straight through her violet ones. A chill ran up her spine. The boy must have felt it, because he drew his hand back quickly.

"Please... don't go. Don't leave me here... please..." His voice sounded so small.

Normally, this would have scared her, and she would have ran, but... He suddenly looked so young, and those eyes...

For the first time, in a long while, Izumi felt like crying. It made her so sad to just to think about if she left him here. Alone, with the rain outside, and those big, sad eyes, with all those tears on his face. She _couldn't _leave him...

"You can stay at my place." Izumi decided rather quickly, after seeing the shape his apartment was in.

"Thank you." He followed her one door down. Once inside, Izumi immediately got into bed and pulled the covers over her. She'd done her good deed, sleep now took priority.

She felt the boy crawl into bed with her. He curled up right next to her, nestling his head under her chin. It surprised her, but she didn't move. _If he's wanting some, he's still going to pay,_ she smirked to herself. But, he didn't do anything, he just fell asleep.

She could feel his small, steady breaths against her neck, and his hair was so soft. She touched it once and laughed to herself. Since when did she keep snuggling boys in bed?

_Well, since now, I guess_... and with that, she drifted into sleep.

It had been a couple months since then, and every time it rained, Goku would stay over. He'd never asked anything else from her.

"Goku?" she whispered.

"Hmm...?"

"Why... don't you like the rain?"

He looked up at her, and then turned away, "...It reminds me of someone..."

Izumi decided not to push it, someday he might tell her.

XxXxXx

Dream #1101 Dream a little dream of me...

_I feel his soft blonde hair slip through my fingers and the warm tears run down my cheeks. I touch his lips softly. I kiss the palms of his pale hands. His violet eyes hold my own... and he wipes my tears from my face. _

_"Sanzo..." I lay my head against his chest. Everything feels so much more real._

_He traces my jawline with a hand and runs the other over my stomach. Those smooth hands are torture. My back arches slightly as he bites my ear. It's rapturous, just to feel his flesh, his breath, against my skin. _

_I moan, and he brushes his lips faintly over mine. He kisses my nose, and as my lips try to follow his, he places a finger lightly over them. I muster my most pleading look._

_Then he pressed his lips against mine. And it's everything I've ever wanted._

_Already I can feel myself being pulled back to reality. This is the only place I want to be. _

_In every second, I dream a thousand dreams... and in every dream... I'm with you._

XxXxXx

Goku opened his eyes slowly, the dream still lingering with him. It just felt so _real_. Goku pulled closer to Sanzo, except, it wasn't Sanzo; it was Izumi. She yawned.

"You feel better?"

Just as Goku was about to reply, when he felt his stomach twist. _No_. Goku jumped off the bed, running for the bathroom. He made it in time to vomit into the sink. He hadn't eaten in a while, so it was just acidic juices circling the drain. _Damn, that burns..._

"What the hell?!" Izumi had gotten out of bed and was now standing behind him. Goku turned the tap on to wash it away.

"Fuck! Goku, you told me you were clean!"

He swallowed and turned around. Her violet eyes were looking at him; so he looked back.

"I am." he answered.

twitch

"Shit..." he whispered, as his left eye twitched again. He always twitched when he was doing crank.

She pushed her hair back with her cerulean-painted nails. This boys was tearing himself apart. Without a word, she reached for his right arm. She pushed the sleeve up, having a slight tug-of-war with Goku in the process.

Izumi stopped pulling on his arm. Her violet eyes widened.

Black bruises had formed under a red hole that revealed the vein beneath. The skin around it blistered and bled.

"Dammit, Goku..." Her nails ran through her hair again. Goku jerked his arm away from her. It hurt like a bitch, but he wasn't about to tell her that.

"...you can't..."

"Leave me alone. You aren't me, you don't know anything!" He yelled suddenly. Izumi moved back a little.

"Everyone's got shit to deal with, you gotta stop this."

"I can't..." His voice almost trembled.

"Why not?" Her question sounded a little harsher than intended.

"Because... because he's gone..."

His reply was so quiet, Izumi wasn't even sure he had answered at all. His small frame trembled and he had both arms around himself.

"What are you talking about?" She tilted her head slightly.

"I did it... I wanted to protect him... I tried, I really did. He was too strong, I couldn't have beat him if I didn't take it off." Water formed on his bottom eyelid.

Izumi knew what he meant. People didn't wear gold crowns around for show.

"...I-I couldn't stop myself... and I... I killed him. He could have lived, he could have shot me... The others... they couldn't... I wouldn't... I wouldn't hurt him, Izumi, not ever. He saved me... and I just, just wanted us stay to together." He was crying now, like the night she met him.

Goku slid down the side of the wall. He looked away from her now, his golden eyes focusing on the broken-tile flooring in the bathroom.

"I felt it... when I killed him... inside... it felt like I was back in the cave..."

Izumi nodded, _It's hard to lose someone, especially if it's your fault, but.... this? This isn't helping anything._

"You can carry your scars as long as you want, but if you don't stop making new ones, nothing will ever be okay." She released his shoulder.

"I don't ever want it to be okay. I don't ever want think every thing's alright when he's not here." His right arm was twitching slightly

"Fine. Live that way, but I'm not gonna let you damn yourself any further." Izumi held out her hand, "Give them to me."

"What?" Goku gave her a puzzled stare instead.

"All the rest, I know you didn't buy just one."

"I don't have anymore." He held his hands out to show her.

"Bullshit." Izumi suddenly reached forward and pushed Goku to the ground. With the nausea still wearing off and his balance in question, Goku found himself easily face flat on the floor. Her knee rested between his shoulder blades to prevent him from getting up as she dug through his jacket.

Goku struggled fiercely, causing her to step away from the boy, but not before she had ripped the two crank shots from his pocket.

"Give them back." His fists clenched, but Izumi didn't budge, "Please, they're mine."

"No they're not, it was my money that bought this."

"But you gave it to me!" Goku wrinkled his forehead.

"It was for food! You didn't have any fucking food in your fridge!" She shouted.

At the mention of food, his stomach growled._ I'm starving... I guess I should eat more often..._

"I was going to get some, I still have money left." He immediately regretted those words.

"Give me what you have left, I'll see to it you've got a meal for tomorrow." Her eyes was unwavering, but so were his.

"I can get my own food. Why do you even care what I do? It's not like it effects you." He spat.

"Like hell it doesn't. I'm not the one who can't sleep alone when it rains. I'm not the one who shoots up to forget shit. It's my business, because you made it my business. You gotta move on, you gotta put the past behind."

Goku half-smiled at her, his golden eyes darkening, "Like you? Leaving the past to deal with itself."

"Well, I don't have trouble sleeping at night." her lips curled.

"Yeah, fucking guys for a fifty; I doubt anyone would."

Izumi's eyes flashed, she felt a cold stab pierce right through her sternum and out her spine. She never expected that from Goku... He had always accepted her as she was.

"...you... little bastard." It was amazingly difficult to breathe. Goku was still standing there, looking at her with an unreadable expression. Her eyes narrowed.

The needles in her hand flew at Goku, hitting him in the face, "...get out." she growled. He picked them off the ground without a word and left.

XxXxXx

"So, what'll it be, sweetheart?" The bar tender grinned.

"Jack and coke." The blonde ordered. The stout man slid the drink to her. She immediately took a swig. Someone was singing jazz, but Izumi wasn't listening. She was content with the glass against her lips and the cold liquor in her throat. Everything was fine. She was fine.

"Bad day?" he asked as he wiped down the bar.

"Why do you ask?" Izumi gently put her now-empty glass down.

"Women always drink like that when something's wrong." he gestured to the empty glass.

She ignored him. Her violet gaze flickered to the singer on stage. On another day, she might have smiled.

"Who was it that said it's not over 'till the fat lady sings?" She wondered aloud. The bar tender looked at the woman on stage and then shook his head.

"Don't know." He was cleaning another glass. Izumi rested her elbows on the bar. Was it all over? Did this mean the end of everything between her and Goku?

"... you know, it's only over if you want it to be." the bar tender interrupted her thoughts nonchalantly.

"You a mind-reader, or something?" It bothered her to think that her emotions might be that easy to read.

"Yeah, something like that." he laughed. This guy was starting to scare her.

She tapped her fingers rhythmically, a bad habit she'd picked up. _I really don't want this to be the end... I really just..._ She stopped drumming on the bar.

"Well, it's not really my business, but..." he scratched his neck, "If there was a problem... I'd say you'd need to be somewhere else than here."

She looked good and hard at the bar tender, and then paid her bill.

"Thank you." It had been a long time since she had felt grateful, to anyone. She left the bar and headed to Goku's. She knew where she needed to be.

It was crazy, all of it. How could he change her so much? How could she let herself be changed? It was those damn eyes... they ruined her. Some fucked-up boy had brought her down.

Then she thought of his last words, and the mocking smile he gave her. His eyes were so different then, they were... cold. Goku was never cold, he always seemed so full of life. Even when he was doing some shitty little job to make a few bucks.

_"Yeah, fucking guys for a fifty; I doubt anyone would."_ She'd heard static from others before. Name-calling, and the like. But this... this had her unhinged.

Was it too much? Too much to put behind him? As a child, Izumi found love to be a wasted emotion, so, she lived without it. But Goku... he was still holding on to it.

Izumi thought back to the night she met him. It was raining so hard... and he had called her something...

Izumi started running.

He had called her beautiful...

She quickly wiped the tears out of her eyes.

He was the only person who had ever called her beautiful.

XxXxXx

Goku was back in his apartment, sitting on the floor. He clutched two crank shots in his left hand. He wanted to dream again... to forget everything. He always hurt the ones he cared about.

Goku couldn't let go of his past, and he couldn't move forward. So, it would all end here. _One last dream..._

Goku slipped the first needle into his infected arm. The pain was excruciating. Before the drug took over, he quickly injected himself again with the second shot. Little fire ants danced inside his veins. Slashing and searing as they spun to a silent beat. They burst from his skin and laughed.

He started to pant as his heart beat quickened. His muscles jerked uncontrollably. Goku felt like he was going to get sick, but nothing came out. Vertigo plagued his senses. And his golden eyes faded to yellow.

"Sanzo..." a ghost of a smile formed on his face.

EnD


End file.
